I went and got a haircut yesterday. Its not the first since the corona virus hit, but I am not maintaining any kind of coif schedule the way I used to before the pandemic. Now I seem to go only when the annoyance of longer-than-I-like-it hair makes it worth the modest risk to go and have it shorn.

By yesterday I had reached that point so I went to a local barber here in the neighborhood, rather than my regular barber, who was on vacation in Israel, and not expected back for a month.

I walked into the barber shop and asked how long the wait was as I only saw one barber and they had a customer already seated. A woman came rushing out of the back and said, “I can take you right now”.

“Perfect”, I thought, as I sat at the first available station.

I had brought a newspaper to read while I waited and I was mid-story into a fascinating article on “How To Control Sod Webworms”, so when she asked how I wanted my haircut I said something vague like “trim it up, make it look good, treat it like you’re very own…”, then went back to reading more about the “larvae lifecycle of the sod webworm”.

Well, imagine my surprise when she whisked the apron off me and asked if there would be anything else before I had even finished a very brief article.

“Why, No I don’t believe there will”, and I stood up and looked in the mirror. Then I looked at her. Then back in the mirror.

I had a swoosh. Not a huge Swoosh, but certainly a distinctive swoosh and I had never had one before. I thought about asking her to fix it, but realized almost immediately that anyone that would initially cut my hair that way, was not the person to ask to fix it.

So on the way home I was going over in my mind what I was going to tell anyone who asked, but then I chanced upon the ultimate response.

No response. None.

Just look at them hautily as if you meant to do that all along. You know what I need to carry this off? I need a Leisure Suit. Shiny polyester leisure suit and I’d be done. Anyone know where I can get a size fat-middle-aged-white-guy Leisure Suit in Green? And No, I don’t need a hat. I got a line on one of those in Ohio.